


She Likes Girls

by Hairy_Liopleurodon



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: "normal" universe, Alternate Universe - High School, F/F, Hurt, Minor Fjord/Jester Lavorre, Minor Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast, Pining, added later - Freeform, angst???, chapter 5 is beau's side of the story, hurt but i swear it's a happy ending, inspired by a song, they're all human, when you're in love with you best friend and everyone knows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-06-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:48:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24336913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hairy_Liopleurodon/pseuds/Hairy_Liopleurodon
Summary: Jester does her best to convince herself she doesn't have feelings for her best friend Beau.(previously named "I Think She Likes Girls")
Relationships: Caduceus Clay & Jester Lavorre, Fjord & Jester Lavorre, Jester Lavorre & Caleb Widogast, Jester Lavorre/Beauregard Lionett
Comments: 7
Kudos: 102





	1. Where has your mind been

**Author's Note:**

> Initially inspired by the song "She Likes Girls" by Metro Station

All was nice when she dated Fjord. He was sweet, listened to her, gave her gifts when she expected it the least… But for some reason it was like their relationship was forced in a way. She had a crush on him for a good two years before really confessing, not sure how he was feeling. Then they became a thing. And it really was pleasant. But there always was something off.

When they held hands she quickly stopped feeling the sparks. When they kissed she just felt weird. Saying 'I love you' didn't feel like a lie, but not like the truth either. They never went far. It felt wrong.

Before she could point if it was because of her, he broke up with her. And came out as bi. And told her he's had feelings for their friend Cad. For a while. And she processed all of it just fine. Except for one part.

Why was she relieved that it was over?

Shouldn't she have felt betrayed? upset? angry? Wasn't she supposed to throw a fit? promise things? do anything to keep him? Wasn't she in love?

After a while she figured it wasn't important. Her new goal was to be the best possible friend for Fjord, and support him, and maybe help him with his own crush. She owed him that. At least she felt like she did.

So of course when Cad was the one to confess to Fjord, she couldn't have been happier for the two of them. A little voice in her head told her she was happier to see them together than she was when she dated Fjord. She ignored it. There never is any good in listening to the little voices in the back of your head.

She ignored it too when she felt her heart ache as Beau kept dating new girls. She ignored it when her best friend was bragging about them. She ignored it when she started snapping at people who mentioned her tumultuous love life.

She ignored it when she kept feeling the sparks when they held hands while watching a horror movie.

And she kept ignoring it when, more and more often, she woke up from dreams where Beau kissed her. Or doing more.

And it was getting difficult to ignore. It wasn't whispers anymore, it was screams. She was doing her best to not let anything transpire. No one can know. The others can notice. If they do, what will they say? How will they react? She is Jester after all. Nobody expects her to like girls.

Nobody expects her to love Beau.

To keep herself away from the voice, she busies herself studying. She keeps reading, she even starts taking extra assignments, she finishes her homework faster than she ever did. Her grades jump, everyone is impressed. Nobody suspects a thing.

She doesn't work alone. She asked Caleb for help. He guides her when she gets lost in a question, he sums up texts she couldn't focus on long enough to fully understand. Every free hour they have, everyday after school, they stay at the library and work together.

Then they start doing so on weekends. It pisses Beau off. Of course. But it's better like that. At least the voice is calmer when she is not around. And Caleb can be good company, once you know how to talk to him. To thank him for his help she makes a little plush toy of his cat, and drawings too, all based on pictures he shared. Every time she hands him a present, or a snack even, he blushes and mutters something that sounds more like an apology than thanks. It's pretty endearing.

Exams approach, they spend even more time together, either at hers or his, studying, getting comments from their parents. The voice has been silent for a while. Jester manages to stay focused on her work for so long she sometimes forget to eat or drink. Caleb jokes about her turning like him. She shrugs it off. Maybe her behavior is weird, but it needs to be done.

She knows Caleb likes her. He never confessed, but he never was the most discreet about it. So one day, as he leans closer to her to point something in her notebook to explain an equation, she closes the distance between them and kisses him.

It doesn't feel right.

He is not as assured as Fjord was. She's pretty sure his brain short circuited the second their lips touched. She tries to deepen the kiss. It has to feel right, somehow. When he starts responding, she is relieved, and she starts feeling the sparks she was expecting. They are faint, but they're here.

Maybe she was worried for nothing after all.


	2. You're Talking To Me, But Thinking About Her

She's been dating Caleb for a few months now. And everything is nice. Not fantastic, not breathtaking, not wonderful. Just nice. The sparks don't get stronger like she expected. They're still faint, some days she barely feels them. But that's okay. She likes his presence, when they're together it's tranquil, she feels calm.

Without really noticing she started avoiding Beau. It's only when Fjord mentions it that she realizes. Maybe it's for the best.

One day she's about to leave the library when Cad asks if he can have a moment with her. She can't refuse, she doesn't have any excuse to. He starts to explain that people don't expect anything of her. That her needs, her wants, are more important than what people hope for her. That she should not be afraid of how she feels. That nobody will get mad if she happens to like more than boys.

That nobody will be mad if she likes Beau.

The voice in her head gets loud, all of a sudden. She hears it, it's trying to think for her. She won't allow it. She snaps at Cad, shouting at him for implying she has feelings for her best friend. Screaming that it is non-sens. She leaves, furious.

But the voice keeps saying he is right.

Stop lying to yourself.

You fell for your best friend, that's not the end of the world.

You like her.

Just admit it.

That same day she tries to go further with Caleb. It doesn't go well. She hates every second of it. She feigns it. Try to make it look like she did enjoy it a bit. They cuddle afterward. He kisses her.

An explosion of sparks on her lips, in her head, in her lower stomach.

She thinks that's it. Everything is fine, from now on she can forget about Beau.

Until she open her eyes, at the end of the kiss. And the sparks leave.

In her head, it was her she was kissing.

She wishes she could tell someone about it. She wishes her friends weren't all so close. Then maybe she could… get advice. What is she supposed to do? Should she confess? and risk their years old friendship? On second thought, they haven't been that close for a while. She cries herself to sleep once she's home from school. How can she bare it any longer when it hurts so much?

One day, she can't focus on whatever she was trying to read. Maybe it's biology, maybe it's history. It doesn't make a difference. She can't get herself to get into it. Caleb kisses her cheek and tells her he loves her, as he puts a mug of fuming tea next to her hand. She just smiles. She can't say she feels the same. She tried in the past. It felt wrong.

For Veth birthday, everyone is invited. It's a playful and happy event. Jester made a bouquet of flowers out of buttons and wire, and her friend loved it. The food and cake are delicious. Yeza even brings beers so everyone can have a nice drink. Jester refuses the one she is handed. One thing she learned about the voice, it's that it's louder when she drinks.

She keeps looking at beau with her new girlfriend, Cali. An adorable girl, a bit awkward socially, but still pleasant to be around. When she notices Beau's hand on Cali's waist, Jester feels envy crippling on her back. But she shouldn't feel envious.

Cad keeps giving her looks. She ignores him. She likes him, he is a good friend and she knows he means well. But she doesn't want him to get involved in a situation that doesn't exist.

She looks at Beau dancing. Smiling. Joking. Enjoying her time. And Jester decides to leave early. Veth convinces her to stay for the night, guiding her to an empty room where she can sleep. Jester's heart aches so much. The pain is excruciating. But she'll have to deal with it.


	3. You Don't Say You Love Me, You Just Bite Your Lip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The shortest update, because I had nothing much to say in that part

In Caleb's arms she feels at peace. Somewhat. At least the voice is quiet. And he doesn't try anything without asking first. They've been hugging for a little while, talking about anything and nothing. Feeling his hand going through her hair over and over again makes her sleepy, like a cat being pet. She gets tensed when he says he loves her.

When he stops and sits up, she doesn't understand at first. He tells her something she didn't want to admit. She never, ever answered him. She never, ever said 'I love you too'. Or anything of the sort. He asks her why. She can't bring herself to response. She'll hurt his feelings, she knows it. She tries to whisper that she thought he knew it, that it didn't need to be said out loud. Even to her ears it sounds like what it is. A lie.

They break-up the same day. She's the one suggesting it. She doesn't want to hurt him more. He understands, or so he pretends. He does cry. She does as well, but only once the door of his place is closed behind her.

All of this was stupid.


	4. She's Feeling Faded, It's Not Pretend

She keeps studying with Caleb. For convenience, but mostly out of habit. They don't resent each other for what happened. It's almost like this four months of dating never happened. It's a relief. She wouldn't have forgave herself otherwise.

She stops avoiding Beau. Her best friend is still a bit cold with her, not sure what the whole situation was about. But after a while she warms up to their discussions, happy to regain their connection.

Jester can feel Cad's eyes on her everytime she talks with Beau. She still is a bit mad at him for what he had said. She knows he wants her to make a move. To act on her feelings. But it can be annoying at times. Especially when Fjord joins, and he is even less discreet about it.

Two months after the break-up, it feels like the whole group, apart from Beau herself, is aware of her feelings for the young woman. She guessed after getting advice, out of the blue, from each and every one of them. She doesn't know how to tell them to stop. There isn't anything to expect. Nothing is going to happen. Period.

Prom is slowly approaching. And she doesn't feel as excited about it as she probably should. She tires herself making her dress. And Veth's. And Molly's. Basically, when she is not trying to study with Caleb, she is sewing, or planning her next sewing session. It worries her mom. Her friends, even if thankful of her work, try to make her slow down. Remind her to take breaks. That she'll be more efficient if she gets real nights of sleep. And she does try to listen to them. But as soon as her hands are unused for too long, she gets upset. Angry. She ruminates about everything and anything. It's easier to not think when you have a task taking your attention.

Caleb suggests they go to prom together. It's not like they have anyone else, so she accepts. He promises to do his best to find a suit that matches her dress. The gesture is sweet and she can't help to hug him. He tells her she should confess.

What for? Summer vacations are coming. She doesn't want to ruin three months for anyone. It would be stupid.

He tries to reassure her, in vain. She won't change her mind. She works on her dress even harder to make it perfect. If anything, she wants to be pretty for that party. She'll be so beautiful all the attention will be drawn to her. It has to be a work of art. Everytime she pinches her finger with a needle or has to redo a lining, she keeps reminding herself her goal. She has to be pretty. At the very least.

The great night comes. Everyone is stunning. Veth and Molly keep bragging about the wonderful dresses Jester made them. They only go quiet when she arrives. She guesses her mom wasn't exaggerating when she said she was gorgeous. She greets all her friends as they go in the room rented by the school. She worries about Beau. She hasn't answered any of her texts since the morning, and she is nowhere to be seen.

Once they are in, she sees her. She is breathtaking in her suit, her hair complexly braided, more makeup on than ever. She is discussing with a guy from another class. Jester remembers they're in the same dojo. He probably came with her because of that stupid "straight pairs only" policy. Beau catches her eyes and smiles, gently waving at her. Jester feels her heart beam, and tries to smile normally in answer.

The party is pretty normal. The music is loud, and at least in good taste, someone managed to sneak alcohol in, and made sure everyone got some. Everyone dances, and the contrast between their formal clothes and their stupid dances is probably the funniest part. Jester gets tempted by a cola-whisky mix, thinks it's disgusting, but still drinks all of it. When she's handed a second one, she gives it to Caleb straight away.

After two hours of dancing, she is exhausted, sweating, and she's pretty sure her makeup and hair are ruined. But she couldn't care less. She hasn't heard the voice yet. She thinks she won't at all tonight. Until she sees Beau, with a girl. Dancing. Pressed against one another. And she's enraged by the sight. She wants to cry. She wants to be that girl. She wants to be the one pressed against Beau. She wants to kiss her. Tell her how handsome she is. All the time. Especially tonight. She wants…

She goes outside, excusing herself by saying she needs some fresh air. The cold night welcomes her. She feels her heart aching, stronger than ever. She crouches down against a wall and starts crying. She can't hide it anymore. She doesn't want to, but it's too much.

Falling for your best friend and having a breakdown over it. How pathetic is that?

It's Jester's kind of pathetic.

She's about to text her mom so she can pick her up when she hears someone call her name. Of course it's Beau. There must be a God, somewhere, having the fun of their life watching her panic. Her friend comes to sit next to her. She asks what's going on. And she doesn't know why, how, but she blurts out everything.

All her feelings. Spilled like a one too many drink.

And she waits for a reaction. A slap? Too gentle, she'll get a fist in her jaw. A laugh? It all does sound like a joke. A lecture? Weirdly that would be the best outcome.

So of course she doesn't expects a hand on hers.

Of course she doesn't expect a softly spoken confession.

Of course she doesn't expect her face to be cupped and gently turned.

Of course she doesn't expect lips against hers.

And you know what? Real kisses do create a fuck load of sparks compared to dream ones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And done!  
> I really love the song that inspired this fic, so if you haven't listened to it yet, please give it a try! (Metro Station - She Likes Girls)  
> Maybe one day there will be a 5th chapter from Beau's perspective, who knows >:3c
> 
> I thrive on kudos, and don't hesitate to comment!  
> (especially if I should change/add a tag or anything like that)


	5. Leaving the club, the kissing begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beau's side of the story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2k words long surprise update!

Beau has known Jester for what feels like her whole life. They went to the same primary school. She was the one getting into fights, Jester was the one that still talked to her imaginary friend and pretended she could see unicorns. How they talked for the first time is an event lost in their memory, but once they started they never stopped. They quickly became best friends. They went through so much together. Beau can't imagine a life Jester is not part of.

When she came out, at twelve, Jester was the only one who’s reaction wasn't negative or mixed.

When she presented her her first girlfriend, she made an effort to act nicely with her, even if she later admitted she felt something wrong about her.

When she started having a new girlfriend every week, and more and more one night stands, Jester never judged. She just kept track. She had a notebook with graphs and statistics about every girl.

When she had a bad breakup, Jester was the one to reassure her and help her, she stayed with her until she was sure she would be ok.

Yeah, a life without Jester would have been weird.

Especially since she has a crush on her. And it feels bad, being in love with her best friend, and having to keep it to herself. Jester always insisted on being straight. Two tears in a bucket, fuck it.

She never understood what her friend found interesting in boys. But she couldn't help thinking her crush on Fjord was cute. When they started dating, it was more a surprise than anything. But they made a cute couple. Not too sticky sweet, but not too much like friends.

She noticed how Jester sometimes tensed up when Fjord held her hand or kissed her. The poor girl probably was nervous. Anyone would be in their first relationship. Especially when your only references are weird romance novels.

She noticed how sometimes she'd purposefully avoid touches from her boyfriend.

The kisses she cutted short.

The dates she canceled, pretending she was busy.

Her weird expression the rare times he called her pet names.

How she never never used pet names or nicknames for him.

Poor girl must have been really nervous about it all.

And yet it was a surprise when they broke up. Despite all the signs they were better as friends than lovers, she wasn’t expecting it. The break-up was less expected than the following events, with Caduceus confessing to Fjord and them starting dating, only a few weeks later. And in all that, Jester never seemed upset. Her face only showed relief. She wouldn’t leave the new couple alone, always teasing them and commenting how cute they were.

Beau knew her friend. And this behavior felt both normal and not.

And Jester’s behavior only kept getting weirder.

One week she’d come over unannounced with ice cream, suggesting they watch a movie together, acting like everything was fine. And the other week she’d avoid Beau altogether. Never straight up ignoring her, but it still hurted.

One week she’d be very curious about her dating life, the new girlfriends or the one she had at the moment. And the other week she’d seem bothered when told about it, despite her asking.

And then she suddenly was always busy studying.

She was smart, her grades already pretty good, but she got better. She was constantly re-reading her lessons and doing her homework became more important than anything else. She started hanging with Caleb all the time, more and more as exams approach. She seems to have little attentions for the guy. Beau wonders if she has a crush on him. If she’s aware he has a crush on her. But Jester doesn’t talk with her anymore. Just barely. The rare times the group is complete.

And she got the strongest heartache and anger when they started dating.

Maybe it was because she felt betrayed, that Jester could have told her about it. Maybe it was because they never announced it properly. Maybe it was because she only learned about it when they kissed during one of the group’s movie nights.

She turns to Fjord, in search for reassurance. She feels like she was a bad best friend, like she should push contact with Jester, but at the same time she feels like she should leave her alone. She doesn’t know what to do anymore. He reassures her the best he can, telling her Jester is probably just as lost as everyone else, that everything will be back to normal sooner than she knows. But even he admits that Jester giving Beau the cold shoulder for months is weird, even a bit worrying.

Both Fjord and Caduceus try to have a talk with the girl. Fjord asked Beau if she was okay with it first, because she was the one coming to him to tell about her worries. Caduceus does it without telling anyone. One day as the group is chilling in a park he asks for a moment with her. The next thing they all know is she is screaming at him that he is wrong. That he should stop getting his nose in others people’s life. And then she leaves, she is furious. Nobody knows how to react.

Beau tries not to worry about it. Cad is a nice dude, but because he is so good at reading people he can feel a bit nosy. And his lack of a filter when he tells people about what he sensed can be seen as rudeness. She understands that Jester probably wasn’t in the right headspace to hear whatever he told her.

She brings her new girlfriend, Cali, to Veth’s birthday. She’s awkward but so adorable. She can’t keep her hands off of her. Everyone seems to like her, and it makes her happy. Yet she could swear she feels a heavy gaze on her through the whole party. When Jester says she’s going to leave because she’s tired, her smile looks upset. Veth suggests she stays for the night, that she can use her bedroom to catch a rest and maybe enjoy the end of the party later. She accepts and goes to bed. Beau doesn’t know how to feel about that.

A couple of weeks later, Caleb and Jester break up. Or at least the others only realize it a couple of weeks later. Because just like when they started dating, they didn’t tell anyone. They keep studying together, back to being just friends like if they hadn’t been dating for the past months.

And Jester doesn’t stop avoiding Beau. And she’s had enough of that. She decides to act cold in return. Jester doesn’t want to explain her behavior by herself? She’s not going to look for an answer.

When she finally stops, she keeps acting cold. Both on purpose, to punish her for her previous behavior, and accidentally, because it’s been so long since her supposedly best friend acted like a friend at all. She also feels like the whole group is keeping her out of some secret thing. Everyone exchanges knowing looks every once in a while and it bothers her. She tries to ask Fjord about it, and he acts like he doesn’t know what she is asking about. But the guy is an open book and she knows he is lying. She shrugs it off. She doesn’t want to risk any other friendship for something that is probably stupid.

She broke up with Cali a while back. And she doesn’t feel like dating. She doesn’t even feel like doing anything with any girl who approaches her. It’s an unusual feeling, but it has also its own good side. She observes Jester more. She watches her finding new things to busy herself with. She watches her accept to work on dresses for her friends, even if it represents a gigantic amount of work to make just her own. She keeps studying with Caleb, and she probably spends all of her free time home sewing. She’s exhausting herself. Everyone tells her to slow down, but she ignores each of them. Or so it seems. It looks like she is bothered by something, and that she keeps herself busy and tired so she doesn’t have time to think about it. Beau can only hope she’ll get better soon.

Prom finally comes. Stupid “straight pairs only” policy, she’s forced to invite a guy from her dojo, who happened to get dumped by his girlfriend a while back and had no one to go with. She’s usually not bothered about looking “pretty”, but for once she feels like putting the effort in her appearance. She refreshes her cut, gets Yasha to braid her hair the afternoon before the party, and finds the perfect suit in her father’s wardrobe. She even decides to go full on with the makeup. She knows how to do complex and pretty. She just rarely feels like doing complex and pretty. She catches her reflexion in the mirror in the hall of her parents’ house, and can’t help taking a pose. Yup, she’ll be the “hot one” at the party.

She arrives before her friends, and goes in with her “date”, who keeps complaining about his ex. When she sees her friends arriving, she has to refrain a sigh of relief. She sees Veth and Molly’s dresses, and both of them are gorgeous in the dresses Jester made them.

And then Jester comes in.

And she is beautiful.

Gorgeous.

Stunning.

Breathtaking.

Beau is in awe. If she ever had any doubt about her crush on her, it vanished at her sight. She contains herself and simply smile and waves at her, getting the same gestures in answer. She feels like a coward. She wants to run up to her, confess and kiss her this instant. But she can’t. She won’t.

To soothe her mind racing, she accepts the first alcoholic drink she is handed. And the second. The third she hesitates and ends up refusing. She dances to the point of exhaustion, but she keeps going. She repeats to herself she has to concentrate on something that is not Jester. Yet every time she takes a break, her eyes look for her. And rest on her they find her. Sometimes she is dancing, sometimes she is talking with one of their friends. And sometimes, she just looks miserable for a split second before going back to her smiling self. A girl comes to her and starts hitting on her. Concentrate on something that is not Jester. If it’s what it takes for her brain to stop thinking about her best friend, she’ll do it.

Thankfully the music quickly invites them to be pressed against one another. Beau’s brain let’s her instincts kick in and she’s as seductive as ever. The girl is pretty. And they’re close. That’s all she needs to know. They dance like that for a while, exchanging very few words, and Beau is tempted to kiss her. Until she sees Jester leave. She immediately snaps out of her seduction mode and tries to excuse herself. The girl clings to her. She has to get mad for her to let her go.

Outside, she finds Jester, crying. She has her phone in her hands, Beau can see she was about to call her mother. She doesn’t hesitate and immediately sits next to her. She takes a second to look at her face, her wonderful makeup ruined by her tears. She asks what happened.

And, truly, she expected anything.

Except a confession.

The world disappears around them, as she keeps hearing how Jester fell for her ages ago but forced herself to ignore it. She hears how she was scared to ruin their years old friendship. She hears how she couldn’t take it anymore, how seeing her with yet another girl made her snap.

When she shuts up, Beau’s mind is buzzing. She doesn’t know what to do. She never expected this outcome. She never thought this would happen.

Jester stays quiet, as if she was a kid caught doing something bad and waiting to be lectured. The opposite of Beau, who’s heart could explode from happiness.

She whispers her own confession, her hand on Jester’s.

She turns to face her, and brings her hand to cup her cheek. She leans forward.

God knows she kissed many girls before. God knows she liked every single second of each of this kisses.

But that might be the best one yet.

And the best part is, there are many more to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was hesistating about really writing a chapter from Beau's perspective and then I wrote this in one sitting??? I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> I thrive on kudos and genuinely appreciate comments!  
> If you think I should (for example) change/add a tag or anything, please let me know!


End file.
